Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Why do I worry about everyone else face
Has there ever been an individual or indiviuals that just get under your skin? I know people are going to piss you off..my problem is why does it affect me sooooooo much? Why do I care? Why should I care? This is one of those faces that I need to get rid of. Its not very flattering. The thing that I have to work on is to let go. Not everyone views their situation as a blessing. Some people just dont know how good they have it and its not up to me to show it to them. I cant show them the light. Its their life and if they want to bitch and moan then go for it. I no longer want to be apart of it. I have got to learn to let go. I need to jsut worry about what I have and not what others have. Because the grass really isnt greener on the other side...they just use better fertilizer. So starting today..I no longer care. I will no longer this get under my skin..I will no longer worry about it. Things happen for a reason and just because its happening for someone else doesnt mean that its benefitting them. My focus is on the kids and the husband...and now the dog. God gave me what He gave me because this is what He wanted for me and I am going to do the best that I can in every role that I have. So today starts a new day. I am shedding this face and Iwill not let the actions or fortunes of someone else affect me. I have all the fortunes that I can handle right now.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
My Face
I really don't know why I am doing this blog. All I know is last night when I was lying in bed, I had the longest conversation with myself that I have ever had. I knew then that I needed to start writing all my thoughts down. I have tried to keep journals in the past...and that failed miserably. I cannot write as fast as I think. So I thought a blog might be a good idea. Whether I have followers or not I am doing this cause I feel like I need to put my thoughts on paper.
Back to why I am doing this. Why? I don't know--it could be because I just realized yesterday when I was looking at my son Ayden and seeing how grown he looked that the past 7 years have flown by. The next 7 years will give me a teenage son. Maybe its cause my boys are getting older...hell maybe its cause I am getting older. When I started to think about the boys last night I started to think about myself. For the past 7 years the face that I have worn is one of a mother. When you look in the mirror who do you see? Honestly-do you see a person? Or do you see some kind of person. Well I look in the mirror I see a mom. There was one time in my life that I seen a person with different faces. For the past 7 years I have seen a mom. I am not saying that that is a bad thing...I wear my mom face with pride and with joy. I am at a point in my life now that the boys are getting older and they don't need me as much I am starting to realize things about myself since I have some time on my hands-besides school, work, children, husband, PTA that I would like to change and to try and find my other faces that I had before I got married and had kids. I should say had kids and then got married. I lost myself along the way and I so desperatly want to get back to me. Its funny though that when I go back home I feel like that face I once wore is there. Is it because I know that the people back at home already know me for me and it just comes back naturally? I feel like when I moved to where I live now I had to put some of those faces away in fear of judgement. Now those of you who know me know that before I never cared about being judged...people's opinons of me really did not matter. But that is one of the faces that I have picked up--the fear of judgement. I lost many faces of me and added some that I cannot believe I have. My father raised me to be a person who was proud of themselves and always told me "Amber if someone says or does something to hurt you just consider the source" I used to have that but now I worry consently about what others think. This is not who I am--maybe this comes with having kids...maybe it comes from leaving your safe and familiar element and moving to somewhere where you feel like you are an alien.
I love to write. I wrote stories all the time. Poetry, plays, short stories... I loved it. The last time I wrote a story I was in high-school. The last time I wrote a poem was when my father in law passed a way. This is one face I plan on getting back...the writer. There are so many ideas in my head, some though that I fear would disapprove of..but you know what--you live once.
I am trying so hard for some reason to get my childhood back...not actually being a kid--but the memories--maybe because it reminds me of home. I miss home. I used to be a different person there.
These new faces that I acquired--some are not very flattering. I can hear my dad right now "Amber are you serious? Who cares about so and so. Why are you so worried about that?" "You need to worry about yourself and your family" Ahh to think I moved 600 miles away from home and dad is still right there.
So this is it. This is my journey that I am taking to finding me. I am going to try my damndest to shed some of these faces that make me not want to look in the mirror and I am going to gain back the ones that made me the happiest. I may never write another post...I may write a post everyday or even two. I can't wait to see where this takes me...some closets might be opened and some people might be mad--but I need to do this.
The many faces of me:
The mom face, the worrier face, the imaginative face, the person who thinks that they can change something wrong into something right if people would just listen face, the student face, the cook face, the cleaner face, the taxi driver face, the lets compare my life to everyone else face, the partier face, the inner child face, the reader face, the painter face, the I am a grown woman and I cannot make decisions for myself face, the lets make everyone else happy face, the lets put on a face so the people around can't see who I reallly am face, the I am having a difficult walking in faith face, the I swear my husband wishes I looked like that girl face, The I wish I looked like that girl face, there are more faces--trust me--but the boys are screaming at each other so I need to put my referee face on and go blow the whistle.
Back to why I am doing this. Why? I don't know--it could be because I just realized yesterday when I was looking at my son Ayden and seeing how grown he looked that the past 7 years have flown by. The next 7 years will give me a teenage son. Maybe its cause my boys are getting older...hell maybe its cause I am getting older. When I started to think about the boys last night I started to think about myself. For the past 7 years the face that I have worn is one of a mother. When you look in the mirror who do you see? Honestly-do you see a person? Or do you see some kind of person. Well I look in the mirror I see a mom. There was one time in my life that I seen a person with different faces. For the past 7 years I have seen a mom. I am not saying that that is a bad thing...I wear my mom face with pride and with joy. I am at a point in my life now that the boys are getting older and they don't need me as much I am starting to realize things about myself since I have some time on my hands-besides school, work, children, husband, PTA that I would like to change and to try and find my other faces that I had before I got married and had kids. I should say had kids and then got married. I lost myself along the way and I so desperatly want to get back to me. Its funny though that when I go back home I feel like that face I once wore is there. Is it because I know that the people back at home already know me for me and it just comes back naturally? I feel like when I moved to where I live now I had to put some of those faces away in fear of judgement. Now those of you who know me know that before I never cared about being judged...people's opinons of me really did not matter. But that is one of the faces that I have picked up--the fear of judgement. I lost many faces of me and added some that I cannot believe I have. My father raised me to be a person who was proud of themselves and always told me "Amber if someone says or does something to hurt you just consider the source" I used to have that but now I worry consently about what others think. This is not who I am--maybe this comes with having kids...maybe it comes from leaving your safe and familiar element and moving to somewhere where you feel like you are an alien.
I love to write. I wrote stories all the time. Poetry, plays, short stories... I loved it. The last time I wrote a story I was in high-school. The last time I wrote a poem was when my father in law passed a way. This is one face I plan on getting back...the writer. There are so many ideas in my head, some though that I fear would disapprove of..but you know what--you live once.
I am trying so hard for some reason to get my childhood back...not actually being a kid--but the memories--maybe because it reminds me of home. I miss home. I used to be a different person there.
These new faces that I acquired--some are not very flattering. I can hear my dad right now "Amber are you serious? Who cares about so and so. Why are you so worried about that?" "You need to worry about yourself and your family" Ahh to think I moved 600 miles away from home and dad is still right there.
So this is it. This is my journey that I am taking to finding me. I am going to try my damndest to shed some of these faces that make me not want to look in the mirror and I am going to gain back the ones that made me the happiest. I may never write another post...I may write a post everyday or even two. I can't wait to see where this takes me...some closets might be opened and some people might be mad--but I need to do this.
The many faces of me:
The mom face, the worrier face, the imaginative face, the person who thinks that they can change something wrong into something right if people would just listen face, the student face, the cook face, the cleaner face, the taxi driver face, the lets compare my life to everyone else face, the partier face, the inner child face, the reader face, the painter face, the I am a grown woman and I cannot make decisions for myself face, the lets make everyone else happy face, the lets put on a face so the people around can't see who I reallly am face, the I am having a difficult walking in faith face, the I swear my husband wishes I looked like that girl face, The I wish I looked like that girl face, there are more faces--trust me--but the boys are screaming at each other so I need to put my referee face on and go blow the whistle.
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